Stampede Bison Grill Thursday, Aug 28 2008

This week my parents were in Toronto to catch a flight to B.C. to visit my sister. I feel bad for my sister – the poutine is apparently terrible out there and she is almost as much of a poutine lover as I am. I say almost because she isn’t writing a blog about it now is she! Wait – is she? I should ask. Regardless, my parents are wicked enough to be bringing 2 kilos of cheese curds from Quebec to her to make her own poutines. Yes I said 2 kilos – No it’s not a typo. Yes I’m positive. For those who don’t know, a kilo is a thousand grams. It’s easy to remember. All around the world today, the kilo is a measure.

 

 Anyways, even though they were in Toronto they had to bail on our dinner date because of my dad’s work commitments.  Being not stoked, I decided that I was gonna make a run to the LCBO for a couple beers and I stopped into this new joint in Parkdale called Stampede Bison Grill for their poutine as suggested to me by Nick

 

Stampede is at 5 Brock Avenue and has taken over the once popular fried chicken joint “Rosie’s”. I never had the chance to eat at Rosie’s because when I moved to Toronto just over a year ago I was still vegetarian – by the time I loosened up my dietary restrictions, it had closed down. In any event, this was the second time I stepped into this place, but the first time I ordered something and both times I was really stoked to have this spot in the neighborhood – it’s clean, interesting and great vibes in my opinion. There’s a better review of the spot by Taste T.O. here – bottom line, I hope it sticks around.

 

 

 

At first glance you see this take-out menu and it’s rad – fresh cut fries, cheese curds and made-from-scratch vegetarian friendly gravy for $3.50. It’s a no brainer at this point order that shit and the package – and I don’t mean the kind of package they run in The Wire or in R. Kelly’s Trapped in The Closet! I’m talking about this package:

 

 

Then you open that shit and it’s like Christmas!! Delicious, delicious Christmas!

 

 

The first issue I have is the size. The poutine is really small. I mean for $3.95 (I know that the above menu says $3.50 but in-shop it’s $3.95) I guess I can’t really complain. It was really gone before I knew it.

 

The fries are pretty rad – a little thin, but with the small container there sadly is not really any other option. However, at least the are fresh cut and made to order! Can’t be mad at that!

 

Of course – it’s topped with beautiful Quebecois cheese curds. Bonus points for the proper cheese, but I have to take away some points for not being a whole lot of cheese curds. This was one of 2 things that I was vocal about while eating my poutine and sippin’ on my St. Peter’s Organic.

 

The second thing was the gravy. Before I go on, I must admit that this is the second time that I tasted Stampede’s poutine. A few weeks ago my girlfriend had one and I stole a bite. With that bite I was ale to concur that it was tasty enough for me to say that I would come back and try my own for the blog– no frontin’! This time the homemade gravy seemed very rough in texture, almost sandy, and had a weird East Indian curry type flavor – like they decided to make it with cumin. Kind of rubbed me the wrong way, but it the portion was small enough for me to inhale it and stop complaining…for the most part.

 

While not some sort of stellar award winning poutine, but it’s basically as close a taste of Quebec that I have found I would eat the poutine again – I mean it’s not only on the way to/from The Beer Store and the LCBO but I might also contemplate hitting it up on the walk home from playing basketball weekly just a little north of Stampede. I have had better and I have had way worse, but this aint bad.

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Gorilla Monsoon Saturday, Aug 23 2008

On a hot summer day, once again, wondering around Queen West looking for a spot to hit for some content. We went into this one spot where we sat for fifteen minutes (without exaggeration) and our presence was not even acknowledged. Most people would be really upset, and I guess we were, but we just chilled in their air conditioned and used the table’s supply of napkins to wipe our brows and then busted out. Hope you assholes had fun cleaning up my sweat.  

 

So after we leave this spot we stumble into Gorilla Monsoon at 372 Queen Street West. At this point I don’t even know if they have poutine but I’m just jonsing for either a 50 or a pitcher of long island ice tea – or any other refreshing beverage that will make me piss and stagger. It’s a beautiful day, it’s my day off, don’t judge me.

 

So we grab some seats and I naturally order a 50 while my accomplices are ordering water and/or Shirley Temples instead of beers to dehydrate (read: to harsh buzzes). It turns out that they do have a poutine on the menu. I have looked up their menus (yes, plural) online so that I can remember how much it was but the two different menus posted online do not have a poutine listed…and I may know why…and you soon may as well. Just sayin’.

 

 

The fries are pretty on point. While they aren’t fresh cut they are as close to fresh cut as I think I’m going to find without going to a chip truck. Huge draw back is the obvious grated cheese. At least Gorilla Monsoon was “creative” enough to use marbled cheese instead of straight orange cheddar. I’m actually surprised I haven’t stumbled across a spot yet that does not just crumble white cheddar or mozzarella or some shit and try to pass it off as curds. Take note, cooks; do not try and poo in my mouth and call it chocolate. I mean this both literally and metaphorically…but especially literally. Because that’s gross!  

 

Unfortunately, another draw back, as I trust that you can see above, we’re not taking about a huge portion here. While it may look like a nice phat stack of poutiney goodness…it isn’t. When I say it isn’t, I really mean that it’s not a phat stack (see below), actual poutine or good. Strike three; you’re out like Alpha Chino around a campfire.

 

 

Oh yeah – the gravy. It was ok. By no means award winning. While somewhat tasty it definitely needed work in the viscosity department. There’s nothing more that I can really say about this poutine let alone the gravy. Just not into it at all.

 

After this debauchery and seeing all of the shitty reviews I have given to spots on Queen West, I obviously need to walk in a different neighborhood and diversify my bonds! There is one or two spots left on (or just off of) Queen West that my pal Nick recommends – but after that, Queen West….you’re fuckin’ dead to me, you poutine massacring whore.

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Shanghai Cowgirl Wednesday, Jul 23 2008

Walking around aimlessly one afternoon it dawned on me that I needed to step my blog-game up! Walking down Queen St. West (once again) looking on the outside posted menus, the fam and I decided to pop into Shanghai Cowgirl to get our eat on.  

 

 Located just east of Bathurst at 538 Queen St. West, Shanghai Cowgirl is a rock’n’roll dinner that has an interesting menu having everything from vegan sandwich to Asian dishes to “ghetto chicken”. Speaking of the “Ghetto Chicken” I was discussing Shanghai Cowgirl with one of my co-workers today and showed him the “Ghetto Chicken” item on the menu…

 

me:      Yo, check this out… ‘Ghetto Chicken’!

he:       What does this ‘Ghetto Chicken’ consist of?

me:      ummm fried chicken with fried mushrooms and gravy!

he:       That’s racist.

me:      *laughing* think so?

he:       Wait. Is this a black restaurant?

me.      Not really? I mean it’s a “rock’n’roll” dinner.

he:       Yeah…That’s racist!  

 

… but I digress.

 

ON WITH THE POUTINE!!

 

I see the poutine on the menu clocking $7.25 – while not stoked I order the poutine (obviously) anticipating it to blow my fucking mind!

 

The fries were easily the best part of this “poutine”. Far from being stellar and/or my ideal poutine fry, they were still delicious.

 

Lastly, what the fuck is up with topping this monstrosity with green onions?! Don’t get me wrong, I like green onions (and onions in general) as much as the next guy, but on a poutine? That’s like saying it’s totally cool to make an ice cream float in a Jack & Coke! Ice cream floats are amazing! Jack Daniels is equally delicious! But mixing them up? … Actually, I’ve done that before…and it’s pretty delicious. Ok. Bad example. OH! OH! OH! Ice cream sundae topped with diced hotdogs. Two things awesome on their own, but should not be mixed! Like Biggy said “Money and blood don’t mix like two dicks and no bitch” – I don’t really know Mr. Wallace, but I think that it’s safe to assume that, with money and blood not mixing, he was talking about poutine being topped with ridiculous shit…and sword fights. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Bottom line, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I wouldn’t eat the poutine there again – and so the curdsade continues. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First things first, for $7.25 I was anticipating that this portion would be Sneaky Dee’s sized…that was disappointment number one. Yeah I said it, number one! Number two would be the powerful smell of chicken fat/broth/whatever that took over the dish. Taking a look at the above photo we can see that the crazy is less than traditional. What was served was thick, borderline gelatinous gravy (reminiscent of Dee’s, but lighter) that had an awkward taste.

 

As far as cheese goes; zero points. I don’t even work on a points system, but if I did – zero points! Unless I was in a great mood and I would give a couple points for the chef freshly grating the cheese for the dish – but, aside from it being grated cheddar and not curds, the dirty looks I got from almost all the staff for whipping out a camera and snapping shots would pretty much negate the points.

 

  

 

 

 

 

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751 Thursday, May 22 2008

So I ventured out to just west of Queen Street West and Tecumseth and hit up The Queen’s Head. Ok. Wait. First and foremost…I’m not even sure if I was at the Queen’s Head. The Queen’s Head was technically just over a block east from this place (751 Queen Street West) and closed down years go. The menus said “The Queen’s Head” but a friend recently told me that it was called something else…but I’m not going to front; the only reason I walked into this place was because of the Labatt’s 50 banners they had hanging outside.

I was reading the menu I was looking for some eats and having a hard time to decide…then my girlfriend pointed out that they had a poutine hidden in the “Sides” on the bottom back of the menu…WHAT THE SHIT? Poutine should be bolded on the front page! FRONT PAGE! … Ok. I’m joking…well…half joking. What I’m not joking about is what was had at this impromptu poutinage.

Right form the get go – grated cheese. ugh. I guess a plus is that it was a variety of 2 or 3 cheeses. It’s kind of hard to tell when it’s a myriad of flavors – all I know is that there was white and orange cheese…whatever. I don’t care. It was grated and subsequently lost my attention. Sounds odd, but it’s really not uncommon for something that is (arguably) trivial to just make me lose interest almost immediately and are basically just write-offs; Record stores that don’t sell vinyl, poutines made with graded cheese, people who legitimately think that emo has to do with Fall Out Boy and boys with black eye-liner.

I don’t even know what to say about the gravy to be honest. Well that’s not true…I do know what to say but not in a way that it would be entertaining. It tasted like brown extra salted butter and had the consistency of hollandaise sauce. Maybe it was old hollandaise sauce? … I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Also, while on the topic of toppings – why is it that the shadier the place looks, the more likely they are to throw like parsley or some sort of decorative herb on top of the poutine? Who are you trying to kid? Everyone in here know that it’s not a classy joint – most of the patrons are less than classy themselves – so why are you trying to front on us? If there is anything I learned from Big L it’s that frontin does not bode well. “Ayo – I shoulda been out / I’m deadly when I pull the pin out / Keep frontin / I’ma try yo chin out”.  IT DOES NOT BODE WELL!

Last, and I guess least, is the fries. Not feeling these frozen fries that are deep-fried. What more can I say? We’ve been through this…and I’m sad to say that we’re not through with this. Most places will never learn…

Some of you may have noticed that there was no mention of layering thus far. The reasoning behind this is “The Queen’s Head’s” interesting take on “layering” – a single sheet of fries on a deceivingly shallow plate (see below). BUZZ KILL! The poutine was $4.99 so I guess that I should not be complaining to much – but still.

One thing that I kept saying over and over again while sipping on a (skunky) pint of 50 was “this dish would be awesome if I was wasted and just looking for substance”. I still stand by that too. The dish would be ok at like midnight after six of seven pints.

Total side note: Here’s a really bad photo of the utensil that I was given to get my eat on:

If anyone reading this knows where to get some of these pseudo-switchblade looking utensils, please email me at curdsade@gmail.com. Please and thank you.

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Clinton’s Monday, Apr 28 2008

On Saturday Toronto was lucky enough to be hit with a transit strike. I decided to take this opportunity to walk an obscene amount into areas I have spent little to no time in before. Getting a little famished we were up by Bloor and Christie – the only time I’m ever in this area it’s via the subway. So I would normally get off at Ossington Station, walk a block or 2 east to Hits & Misses, buy a bunch of records and then get back on the subway. In lieu of the strike we kept walking east – I was secretly hoping to trick my girlfriend to go to Manic Coffee for the best cappuccino that you can get in this city…sadly, we never ended up at Manic but I did end up with wicked awesome sunglasses and a chocolate chip cookie dough blizzard! … but I digress.
 
While walking east on Bloor we came to this place called Clinton’s on the south west corner of Bloor and…wait for it…wait for it…Clinton (tada!) at 693 Bloor Street. I’ve heard that they have a rad dance party there called Shake A Tail  every Saturday…but I have yet to go despite my efforts or more appropriately the lack thereof. I have actually never been to Clinton’s prior to this adventure and to be 100% honest, I did not even know that we were in Clinton’s until we received proper menus! The only reason why I went in was because it looked kind of pub-like (I originally wrote pubby but thought it might come off us pubey) so I read the menu outside, saw a poutine on it the menu and knew that it was go time!
 

 
First things first: price and portion. For $5.25 I was not expecting much in terms of size and quality. Instead I got a poutine that I was able to finish but was left nicely satiated for a mere $5.25…which is awesome! Poutine and a pint of 50  for about $12 tax and tip included. Calice que c’est pas pire pour une poutine et une bonne cinquante, tabernacle!
 
The gravy was ok. I mean it was not great but it was far from being horrible. To be fair, it was relatively tasty but a little too thick for a proper poutine. Thankfully it was not fucking gelatinous – I don’t think I would have been able to deal with that again! I guess one of the cool things about it, which I would like to pass on to the vegetarian kids reading this is that it’s advertised as vegetarian friendly gravy. Actually, while on the topic, Clinton’s offers a nice range of veg friendly options. But again – I digress.
 
Ladies and Gentlemen, one thing that I was really stoked on…well two things…
 
1)       They Layered! There was a consistent and appropriate amount of gravy and cheese from top to  bottom. I dug a hole (see below) to see how I’d be doing closer to the finale and was relieved that it was properly constructed. 

 
 
2)       I assume, and sincerely hope, that this was obvious in the above pictures but! CHEEEEEEEEESE CURDSSSSSS! They actually used cheese curds! First time in my poutine eating endeavors since I got to Toronto (most of which, unfortunately, are not documented in this blog) are with shredded or grated cheese. BUT CLINTON’S USES CHEESE CURDS! This, my friends, is what we call “the bomb-shit”! TAKE NOTE, TORONTO!
 
 
In true Toronto poutine fashion, despite the descent gravy and curds, this is not an awesome poutine. The fries were a total disappointment. It just blows my mind how pubs/restaurants/whatever just deep fry frozen fries. Totally was a buzz kill to the otherwise promising poutine! For some reason it just dawned on me – what if Clinton’s or a Clinton regular gets back at me with a comment or an email and is like “OMGZ ur stoooopid! They iz fresssssh not frozun!!! LOLOLOL”. I will reply to that now: “If those fries are not just frozen deep fried fries and are legitimately fresh then I will either a) drop off a dictionary ASAP or b) admit that I’m wrong and burn off my taste buds with a curling iron because I suck at life. However, I’m willing to predict that I will just go with Plan A. Fuck Plan B – never settle for Plan B.

 

Quick Recap!
Fries: Not absolutely horrible, but not good. I’m just not done with deep frying frozen fries. FRESH CUT, SON!
Gravy: Not great but good – a little to thick for a proper poutine, but tasty. Also it’s advertised as vegetarian friendly which is a plus for some.
Cheese: CURDS! YES! EXTRA POINTS!
Price: great price not only for the portion but for the quality. This is a poutine that, despite my complaints, I would be ok with paying more for…but not much more! I was also nicely satiated – no waste!  
 
I’m not going to lie either, I was pleasantly surprised with my poutine overall. This was, of course, positive but really annoying at the same time! “Why this be annoying?” you ask. Well, my friend, it’s annoying because I was not supposed to find remotely good poutine in Toronto this quickly. So while it was not great, it was enjoyable (despite the fries – because, let’s be honest, it could be worse!) none the less. I said on Saturday as we left and as we met up with other people that it was enjoyable and the first relatively good poutine I have had since my arrival in Toronto. If I’m in the mood for an enjoyable poutine, as it stands at the time of this writing, I will make the trip back to Clinton’s to chow down. That said, I was also almost tempted to cancel the curdsade. I was beginning to think that this was as close as I would get to a legitimate poutine in Toronto. However, I’m nothing if not thorough and so…the saga continues…POU-TINE! POU-TINE!

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Sneaky Dee’s Wednesday, Apr 23 2008

Sneaky Dee’s (http://www.sneaky-dees.com/) is located at 431 College Street – right on the south east corner of College & Bathurst. Seeing as just about everyone in Toronto that I have met knows about, has been and/or frequents Sneaky Dee’s I’ll spare you review of the place as a whole. Basically if you want to meet up with people and have drinks and nachos, I can’t think of a better place.

 

I had heard in the past that Dee’s had a poutine and that it was mediocre but good when under the influence or when you’re hung-over…as is often the case with poutine. To be perfectly honest, I never meant for Sneaky Dee’s to get the inaugural poutine. I was there anyways to meet some friends last night and it hit me – I’m on a quest for curds. So I got the poutine.

 

 When they sat this plate in front of me I thought a few things – mainly that it’s a good sized portion. Considering that the menu advertises the poutine at $7.25, I was a little relieved that there was a lot on the plate. Also at first glance, I noticed that some thick gravy was present…this did not bode well already.

 

I grab a hefty first bite and I’m pretty sure my mouth contorted like I just took a tablespoon full of salt – which in retrospect I probably did.

 

So I start to dig around and get my eat on and then the thick gravy gets mad thick…from the corner of my eye I spot something quite unappealing:

 

Why the fuck is there a disgusting, gelatinous chunk of sauce on my poutine?! This is why (in my humble opinion) that you traditionally use thin gravy for a poutine – to avoid being even more disgusted by your mountain of sloppy heart attack piled before you.

 

However,  I pick out any/all gelatinous gravy that I see, take one for the team and keep eating.

  

I’m definitetly not a fan of the fries at Sneaky Dee’s. All around, they just don’t do it for me.

 

Please forgive the awful picture – I was (and am) currently limited in my photographic resources. But I digress. The fries as a whole are bitter and overly salty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for sugar coated fries, but I’m also not looking to get kidney stones after eating a plate of fucking potatoes.

 

 All three basic ingredients to the classic poutine are equally important in making it delicious. However, few will disagree that while cheese is one of these essential ingredients, it can’t just be any cheese. Just like you wouldn’t use a green pepper to make a hot sauce, you don’t use any mozzarella to make a good poutine.

 

This is something that I have found in Toronto and will continue to document. Just like the above, many establishments tend to think that just about any cheese will do. WRONG. No curds, nine times out of ten, results in no good. Seriously.

 

Once you get all the ingredients right, it’s all about proper distribution…

 

As I trust you can see above, with everything just thrown on top once you get half way in you’re stuck with fries and that sad little side of ketchup. LAYERING! It’s the key to a crucial poutine. I should not be able to see the white plate at the center of my plate. Like the title says: Fries. Curds. Gravy. Fries. Curds. Gravy. Repeat if necessary!

 

SO! Quick recap:

 

Price: At $7.25 I would have appreciated half the size for twice the quality – or even 2 thirds the quality…ANYTHING! In their defense, what it lacked in goodness it “made up” for in portion size.  

Fries: Too salty/bitter and awkward.  

Cheese: No curds.

Gravy: Thick and gelatinous…

 

That being said, I will not have the Sneaky Dee’s poutine again and subsequently the curdsade continues. I will, however, go for beers, nachos and their delicious lentil soup which is the soup du jour on Mondays.

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